December 2021, HR/My manager just told me that I will be working part time from 2022 on… Wow. WHAT A MOMENT! I did not realize it in the beginning, but – what a step! I am happy but scared at the same time. So many emotions running through my head, through my entire body.
Am I able to carry this responsibility?
Will I be able NOT to fail?
My dark inner voice takes over and bombards me with all these negative thoughts. Self-doubt rules over me for a couple of days. This is also the moment I realize how lucky I actually am with the people around me. My girlfriend Tatschi who is always a support in so many ways, I often call her the octopus. Erik, who can bring comfort and relieve me from the self-made pressure. And last but not least the quotes of oh_ey_sis… All of them might not even know how much they and their acts mean to me…
And then there they are again. Not even one minute of gratefulness is being granted before those dark thoughts come on over again… I always picture these negative thoughts as walking on a beach on a warm sunny day. I am enjoying the sun and the warm breeze of the air. But then, out of the blue, there comes this cold-ass wave against my leg. The more negative, the higher and colder the water gets. It disturbs my walk heavily, so I look down and see the negative text in the wave “You can’t do it!”… Ouch!
What I have learned is to let the thought(s) be there. The wave will go back into the sea, just like your thought. And I have news for you.. Another wave is awaiting to disturb your beach walk.. The waves will come for sure, that is out of your control. So better focus on the things you do have control of. And that is the action you decide to take. Nobody else but you decide what to do with this thought/wave. And if I can give you one advise from experience – Just let it be. Let the wave be there. Let the thought(s) be there. Just don’t give them too much attention. The sooner you can enjoy your walk again.
And so what if I “fail”?, is what I asked myself more often than I could even tell. And over the years – yes, that took some hard work, it did not fall to me out of the blue sky, neither have I seen the light in some sort of fancy way – I realized. What is failing? Like, honestly, take a moment and sit back. Take your time for this and think for yourself:
What – is – failing – ?
Ouroboros teaches us that there is no failing, only learning. Life is an endless cycle of learning. Trying, learning, trying, learning, trying, learning, up until the moment where we have learnt enough to succeed. And at that point, when we have succeeded, we will be sure we deserve this success. Because nobody else but we ourselves worked hard for this. And then we move on to the next cycle of trying and learning, and so on and so forth. It is an endless game we play. And that’s where I want to thank oh-ey-sis. When I dove into Brahman she gave me one piece of her art.. It is a picture of a lady with a bandage on here face, stating “It’s okay to fail.“. And as mentioned before, you probably have no idea, oh_ey_sis, but wow, that piece of art from you actually helped me so much. 🙂
I never knew that the root of all this worrying, nagging and doubting yourself is a negative self image. Thanks to the book Verslaafd aan Liefde from Jan Geurtz and the podcast Omdenken, my eyes got opened! For everyone who is still struggling with self-doubts, overthinking and feel they are stuck in a spiral, I can highly recommend those two sources. They shine a light on this topic and make it an understandable thing. And when understanding it you can finally do something with it that will work.
Well, back to January 2022. My beginning of part time work. All happy and enthusiastic, I planned my first days where I would be spending whole days with Brahman. That’s what I expected at least. You know, like this last vacation you posted on Instagram. Yay, so much fun! In the sun! Whilst for real the sun only came out for a couple of minutes, and it all sucked quite a lot because your face got irritated by the constant wearing of the face mask, and you were scared of taking that COVID test for your flight back, and weren’t there supposed to be other people? Where did all those other tourists go? Well either way, you can probably already expect it. Here’s how my first days of part time work really went..
Covid struck and my girlfriend and I were forced into isolation. And not only that, this wouldn’t have been so bad after all, quality time focus on Brahman, but nope. Fever it was. Being tired all day long, five days long. What a time this was, being together for a week is pretty intense! But – always looking on the bright side – we made some good memories. I am glad that we both took care of each other and got better in the end.
So with some delay, I can finally announce that I will be working part time! YAAAAAY! Haha Three days as an employee and two days as the CEO and Co-Founder of Brahman Bracelets. I can still hear Erik scream from enjoyment! What a step to take in such a short period of time. Let’s do our best and I truly believe the outcome will be the best too.